My dear son Nurhan, 
Ummi is so glad we had the chance to be together and celebrate your 4th birthday today. It was a simple 1-hour evening tea with our neighbours but we had balloons and cake – and when we asked if you enjoyed it, you said ‘Yes, it was cool..’

Ummi knows you were angry at me for being away from you for 3 weeks. I know that because everytime I called Abi on the phone, you don’t want to talk to me for a long time but every night before going to bed you asked Abi when Ummi’s going to come back. You did not talk to me a lot of time but you did think of me all the time…

In the morning Ummi arrived, I woke you up and hugged you, and I asked you, ‘Are you still angry at me Nurhan?’, you answered very softly, your head resting on my shoulder, 

‘No I’m not. I’m not..’

And Ummi realised, you happily counted,’one, two,three,four,five,six!’

Yes, there’s six of us. Just like how it was before. 

My darling Nurhan, 
I am so sorry I have to leave you with Abi and kakak and abang. Yesterday when I asked you if it’s okay that you stay here with Abi and kakak and abang, you kept quite. And when I asked you ‘Do you want to stay here with Abi and kakak and abang, or do you want to follow Ummi?’, you answered, ‘Follow Ummi’. I asked you three times and you gave the same answer three times. 

But Nurhan, Ummi loves you, and Ummi and Abi wants the best possible for you, so that’s why we would like you to stay here in our own big, cosy home where you can play with the toys and books and games anytime you want to, you can go to school with abang and play with your friends and teachers, Abi can bring you to Tutti Frutti, KFC, UTP lake, UTP mosque- and even watch a movie, all here very close to our home. Its fun isn’t it? But I understand Nurhan, no amount of fun can make up with the simple fun you can have with me if I am around you every day…

Yesterday night, you made my heart ache once more…
In the car, after we had our pre-birthday treat, I asked you again if its okay for me to go back to Johor, and come again to Perak, and then Johor…

And you gave me a simple answer yet so deep; 

‘But there’s always five of us’…

Ummi could not say anything heart was crying. 

I have no answer to give to you, an answer simple enough to make you understand that we being apart, is a test from Allah, that Allah made us come to this situation and that we have to move on with our life. Allah loves us, and gives us this test because Allah wants us to be closer to Him by asking for His help everytime we feel sad, everytime we misses each other. Because you know what Nurhan, when we make du’a to Allah, Allah can hear us and He can make us feel better and He will take care of us- you, abang, kakak. Abi, Ummi, Ihsan. Ummi and Abi will not always be there for you, but Allah will. Allah will always protect you, Allah will always comfort you, and Allah will always take care of you. That is my du’a for you, my son Nurhan. And for kakak, abang and Ihsan too. (And for Abi as well). Ummi may have to leave you sometimes, but Allah will never leave you. Ummi loves you, and you love Ummi, but Allah love all of us even more…

As you turn four today, Ummi and Abi only have the best of du’a and prayers for you. We pray that you will be a humble Muslim who loves Allah and Rasulullah, who understands and practices his deen, who takes care of his solah, who has great character and akhlaq, who is clever and successful in this dunya and will be granted Jannah in the hereafter. That is also our du’a to your sister and brothers and our family and friends. 

So Nurhan, even though Ummi will have to leave you again and again, know that Ummi loves you, and it will never end. 

Happy 4th Birthday, son.