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BUBBLES IN THE OCEAN

The humble journey to The Creator: After all, we are just a tiny bubble in the ocean

Month

June 2014

hakikat perkahwinan itu

Semalam kita bersengketa hingga bermasam muka kerana cuba menyelesaikan kekusutan di minda

Hari ini, kita kembali ceria kerana mencapai keputusan yang tidaklah sebesar mana tetapi mawaddahnya manis dirasa sepanjang masa

Kita terus lupa sengketa semalam, entah apalah yang mengakibatkan jiwa membungkam.
Tetapi ia adalah semalam.

Begituah kehidupan suami dan isteri, melayari bahteranya tidak selamanya di laut yang tenang

Tetapi pada hakikat geloranya itu, ada perasaan sayang, cinta dan sabar di dalam mengemudi layar hatta ombak sedang menjulang dan petir menerkam

Untungnya bila ada perasaan itu, nakhoda dan pembantu setianya itu akan berbincang dalam rahmat Allah, biarpun asalnya tajam menikam, tetapi pabila lahirnya perasaan sayang, maka wajah yang ditenung makin lama akan hilang kusam

Beruntunglah kepada yang paksi perkahwinannya atas ad-Deen, kerana bahteranya ialah ad-Deen, layarnya ialah ad-Deen, matlamat akhirnya juga ialah ad-Deen, mencari redha Rabbi.

Terima kasih isteri terchenta Putri Nurizatulshira

Allah shapes you..

Living in London for the past 3 and a half years has taught us so many things about life and about ourselves. We have changed and matured so much as a person – parents, husband and wife, community member, and as a muslim – so much so that right now we felt really ‘exhausted’ going through the challenges that have shaped us so much. But we will never swap these experience for anything else in this world – our time in London is definitely the most pivotal period in our lives, as of yet. And we’re very grateful to Allah for granting us this path of ‘tarbiah’. 

Which comes to my question, how can my family, relatives, friends and members of the public, basically, experience this kind of ‘life-changing/learning/challenges-that-will-change-and-shape-your-lives’ opportunity without having to go overseas? How many Malaysians living their daily lives in Malaysia can experience a different point of view, surroundings and life challenges- to the point that it crushes you, shakes you, mould you, and pushes you to you knees until you felt hopeless and powerless? You rise up only to find yourself on your knees again. That heart of yours have taken so much – you are numb for all other big things that people are fretting about. But you soon realise that your heart and soul have become stronger – because your dependence to God has never been deeper. You are a better person, and that is all that matters. Perhaps. Not many families have the opportunity because living in Malaysia is like living on an ‘auto-cruise’ – you do not have the chance to reflect and correct about life. To do something very different. To experience something new. Is there a way to completely change a person by completely changing their life (living in Malaysia)? 

PERKAHWINAN DAN MATLAMAT PERKAHWINAN (SHARING FB BY ABU AMANINA 20 FEBRUARY 2013)

Perkahwinan yang kami bina sejak hampir 8 tahun dahulu adalah perkahwinan yang bukan sahaja dibina untuk memenuhi kehendak kami sebagai suami atau isteri. Perkahwinan ini ialah satu perkahwinan bagi membentuk sinergi agar kami sentiasa bersama-sama berpadu masa, tenaga, jiwa dan harta kami untuk ummah di jalan Allah. Oleh sebab itulah, saya memilih Putri Nurizatulshira sebagai isteri saya, kerana beliau punyai ciri-ciri kepimpinan dan kami sama-sama dapat ke depan menggerakkan kerja dakwah dan tarbiah. Justeru itu, kami bersama-sama memilih karier kami sebagai ahli akademik demi memberi inspirasi dan motivasi kepada anak-anak didik kami untuk maju dalam bidang masing-masing, dan tidak lupa memberi kepada masyarakat dan ummah. Berdegar-degar syarahan kami di dalam kuliah, dan pertemuan dalam kumpulan-kumpulan kecil, agar anak-anak murid kami, bukan sekadar mencapai keputusan yang terbaik dalam peperiksaan, tetapi perlu sedar kepada hakikat, anda perlu memberi semula untuk meningkatkan taraf hidup ummah. Usahlah memilih menjadi ‘ananiyyah’, hanya memikirkan tentang aku, isteri aku, anak-anak aku, rumah aku, kereta aku, keluarga aku, tetapi fikirkan juga tentang ummah, apa yang aku ada untuk diberikan kepada ummah? Sekiranya kita memikirkan tentang ummah, Insya Allah, kita akan sedaya upaya mencari ilmu untuk kita terus memberi.

Disebabkan itu, salah seorang daripada kami tidak boleh tertinggal. Matematik mudah kami: 1+1 = 3 atau 10 atau 100 atau infiniti dan 2-1=0. Sekiranya hanya salah seorang daripada kami yang berada di hadapan, ia tidak mencapai matlamat perkahwinan ini. Atas dasar itulah, kami akan terus dan sentiasa memberi secara bersinergi Insya Allah. Kepuasan kami ialah kami dapat terus menyumbang walau di mana sahaja kami berada. Kepuasan kami ialah apabila anak didik kami, anak usrah kami, anak-anak kami, akan menjadi orang yang menyumbang pula kepada ummah. Inilah jalan kami. Jalan menuju redha Ilahi. Atas dasar itulah, saya tidak mahu melanjutkan pelajaran PhD saya keseorangan, biar isteri saya tetap seiringan. Meskipun cabarannya berliku, motivasi kami adalah untuk terus memberi kepada ummah, justeru itu, walaupun PhD ini menjadi satu marathon yang panjang, ia tetap akan dihabiskan untuk terus memberi, Insya Allah.

Setiap ujian yang kami tempuhi adalah tarbiah kepada diri kami. Dan ujian-ujian yang kami tempuhi akan menjadi batu tanda dan tugu cinta kami, demi menuju cinta hakiki, cinta Ilahi. Nasihat kami kepada adik-adik sekalian, sebelum berumah tangga, carilah apa matlamat perkahwinan kalian, Insya Allah di situ Allah akan tunjukkan jalan siapakah gerangan yang akan menemani kalian dalam perjuangan. 

Salam sinergi perjuangan!

PERSONALITY AND HOW ALLAH SHAPES OUR PERSONALITY (SHARING BY ABU AMANINA 26 FEBRUARI 2013)

Semalam saya ada kongsikan tentang personality test. Bila kita kenal diri kita, dan kita berusaha untuk menambah baik akhlak dan ibadah kita, Allah akan berikan tarbiah kepada kita melalui ujian-ujianNya. Saya kira ia adalah satu ‘experiential lerarning’ kepada saya, sekiranya apa yang ditarbiahkan/diujikan kita ambil menjadi ibrah kepada diri. Hari ini saya nak bincangkan bagaimana pula ujian yang diberikan oleh Allah untuk membentuk/shaping hambaNya agar menggunakan kekuatan yang ada untuk ummah, dan kelemahan yang ada untuk diatasi dan diperbaiki.

Melalui personality test guna kaedah yang dikongsi oleh Florence Liteur dalam bukunya Personality plus, saya adalah seorang powerful choleric and popular sanguine, an eagle and peacock I am. Similarly kalau saya uji diri saya guna Belbin Management Test, di dalam kerja kumpulan, saya adalah Shaper. Berulang-ulang kali saya buat tetap tidak mengubah kategorinya. Sebelum itu mungkin saya dapat kongsi sedikit gist tentang karakter saya:

Choleric (Wikipedia)
The choleric temperament is fundamentally ambitious and leader-like. They have a lot of aggression, energy, and/or passion, and try to install it in others. They are task oriented people and are focused on getting a job done efficiently; their motto is usually “do it now.” They can dominate people of other temperaments with their strong wills, especially phlegmatic types, and can become dictatorial or tyrannical. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. They like to be in charge of everything and are good at planning, as they often can immediately see a practical solution to a problem. However, they can quickly fall into deep depression or moodiness when failures or setbacks befall them.

Sanguine (Wikipedia)
The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and romantic. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence. Sanguine people are warm-hearted, pleasant, lively and optimistic.

Shaper (Belbin Management Test, Wikipedia):

The Shaper is a task-focused individual who pursues objectives with vigour and who is driven by tremendous energy and the need to achieve – for the Shaper, winning is the name of the game. The Shaper provides the necessary drive to ensure that the team kept moving and did not lose focus or momentum.[2]
Shapers are people who challenge the team to improve. They are dynamic and usually extroverted people who enjoy stimulating others, questioning norms, and finding the best approaches for solving problems. The Shaper is the one who shakes things up to make sure that all possibilities are considered and that the team does not become complacent.[3] Shapers could risk becoming aggressive and bad-humoured in their attempts to get things done.[2] Shapers often see obstacles as exciting challenges and they tend to have the courage to push on when others feel like quitting.

Jadi apa yang Allah tarbiah saya? 
Allah tarbiah saya dengan SABAR. Ya, saya akui saya ada kelemahan dengan sikap SABAR. Adakalanya saya terburu-buru membuat keputusan, adakalanya saya cepat rasa ‘hostile’ dan ‘volatile’ dalam menerima dan membuat keputusan. 

Sekiranya saya singkap kembali perjalanan hidup saya sepanjang 30 tahun yang lalu, banyak sungguh ujian yang Allah bagi pada diri saya untuk membentuk/shaping diri saya sebelum saya ‘shape’ orang lain. Akhlak saya semasa di sekolah menengah bukanlah baik pun, rakan-rakan saya anti dengan saya kerana saya kadang-kadang jenis yang tidak kisah dengan persahabatan. Saya keras dalam membuat keputusan, apatah lagi sebagai ketua pengawas, saya memang anti dengan kawan-kawan yang melanggar peraturan sekolah. Adakalanya saya ni jenis yang suka menunjuk-nunjuk. Setiap tingkatan yang saya naik, Allah uji satu persatu, setiap tahun hampir-hampir saya mahu pindah/tukar sekolah tetapi Allah tak izinkan. Pada saya, saya tidaklah ‘enjoy’ zaman remaja saya. Karakter saya keras seperti batu. 

Dengan sifat ‘kiasu’ saya, Allah takdirkan saya ke Kolej MARA Banting untuk sambung IB saya. IB yang sangat mencabar kerana tempohnya dipendekkan menjadi setahun setengah sahaja. Namun di situ, Allah pertemukan saya dengan insan-insan yang hebat-hebat dan masih menjadi sahabat karib saya sehingga sekarang: Firdaus Mat SaadMohd Zamir PakhuruddinAdzhar Zawawi (ex-roommate A102) dan Mohd Fahmi Hashim. Mereka memperkenalkan saya dengan erti setiakawan dan persahabatan. Allah datangkan mereka untuk ‘tone down’ sifat kiasu, pentingkan diri dan karakter keras saya. 2 minggu pertama saya sudah memperoleh tazkirah pertama daripada Daus, dan Alhamdulillah, saya sangat menghargainya hingga sekarang. 2 minggu bertazkirah menjadi 6 bulan anti-friendship dengan beliau. Saya sukar terima teguran beliau pada awalnya tetapi takdirnya kami menjadi sahabat akrab. Kepada beliau saya mengadu masalah saya. Zamir, Adzhar dan Fahmi adalah rakan-rakan yang bersedia bersama-sama saya ketika saya ‘ups’ and ‘down’. Syukur kepada Allah atas pertemuan ini. 

Allah tarbiah saya dengan SABAR apabila saya keseorangan terkulat-kulat di Manchester semasa first year saya. Perasaan gundah, keseorangan, menghantui diri saya. Total depression tetapi Alhamdulilah saya dapat atasi keadaan berpindah ke Sheffield semasa 2nd year saya. Di sana, walaupun saya berdepan dengan macam-macam masalah dan adakalanya menguji persahabatan kami (kerana Adzhar, Firdaus, Zamir dan Fahmi ke Sheffield), Allah tarbiah saya dengan SABAR. Pada ketika itu juga, Allah ketemukan saya dengan pasangan hidup saya,Putri Nurizatulshira. Allah uji ikatan kami dengan SABAR. Hampir 5 tahun berkenalan tetapi ‘memendamkan’ perasaan cinta atas batasan syariat sangat menguji ikatan goyah ini. You just knew she’s the right one for you but the time was not right. Setelah itu, barulah akhirnya kami menjadi pasangan yang halal. Itupun setelah saya rasa tidak mampu lagi menunggu ketika saya melanjutkan pengajian MSc saya di Newcastle. 

Saya tidak terus jatuh cinta dengan isteri saya. Perasaan cinta itu makin mendalam dan makin menebal dengan datangnya mawaddah. Alhamdulillah, Allah berikan Putri Nurizatulshira sebagai anugerah yang terindah kepada saya untuk mentarbiah diri saya. Saya tidak rasa buat masa ini ada pengganti yang sesuai yang seSABAR isteri saya menghadapi karenah ‘hostile’ dan ‘volatile’ saya. Beliaulah penawar di kala duka saya, apa jua konflik yang kami hadapi sepanjang hampir 8 tahun pernikahan ini kami hadapinya bersama, dan selepas ia selesai pasti akan timbul perasaan cinta yang mendalam, insya Allah. Beliau berkorban kerjaya beliau, hampir setiap 2 tahun untuk bersama-sama dengan saya. Mana ada orang yang makin pindah kerja makin rendah gajinya?

Allah anugerahkan saya anak-anak yang sihat dan bijak, Alhamdulillah sebagai madu dan amanah buat saya. Mereka penawar di kala duka. Allah beri saya peluang untuk menyambung pengajian PhD saya, kali ini di London. Sekali lagi Allah beri ujian SABAR, kali ini dengan apa yang saya tak mampu kawal. Kesihatan, kebakaran, sampel rosak dan sebagainya. Sehingga sekarang, saya masih belum mampu memulakan kerja di makmal saya, ya sudah 5 bulan! 

Allah bagi saya rasa ‘depress’ sekejap, untuk menyedari hakikat bahawa tidak semua perkara saya boleh kawal, semuanya adalah ketentuan Allah semata-mata.

Tetapi saya tidak depress lama-lama, maka saya mengutip semangat, menggunakan kekuatan karakter saya untuk tidak terus putus asa, saya WAJIB tamatkan perjuangan PhD ini. Saya WAJIB menyumbang untuk ummah dengan isteri saya, sebagai satu sinergi kami bersama. 

Ia perjalanan yang panjang. Ia perjalanan yang menguji keSABARan. Allah bentuk saya sehingga siapa saya pada hari ini. Dan saya berdoa agar mati saya nanti adalah mati husnul khatimah. Perjalanan menuju nafsu muthmainnah ini sungguh mencabar terutamanya di dunia marcapada. Saya doakan juga teman-teman fb saya agar terus berusaha meningkatkan potensi diri untuk ummah dan memperbaiki diri untuk mengadap Allah SWT kelak. 

Salam perjuangan dari hatiku ke hatimu. Wassalam.

UJIAN DARI ALLAH (PART 2)

Allah sentiasa tunjukkan jalan supaya hamba-hambaNya yang sentiasa mengharap kepadaNya tidak tersasar haluan. Didatangkan kepada kita sedikit kesukaran dan ujian untuk kita renung sejenak apakah jalan yang terbaik untuk mencari redhaNya. Magisnya kuasaMu ya Allah, adakalanya yang tidak menyeronokkan di benak fikiran itulah yang terbaik bagi hamba-hambaMu, dan dengan memohon doa banyak-banyak kepada Allah, Allah lapangkan dada hamba-hambaNya dikala kita tersepit dan terhimpit. Lantas, Allah mengurniakan aqal yang lapang untuk berfikir mencari penyelesaian, maka tumbanglah dan menangislah iblis semahu-mahunya kerana tidak berjaya mengkucar-kacirkan anak cucu cicit Adam a.s. 

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.” (Al-Baqarah:216)

Life in the hands of the Creator (Post by Ummi on 26 March 2013)

As I turned 32 last week, I reflected back about my life – Alhamdulillah, Allah has granted me so much and I have tried to be a better Muslim from time to time – but have I really understood and live a life in full, total submission to Allah, my Creator?

My life seems to follow a normal path just like anybody – went to school, and then university, got a job, got married and have kids. I’m a Muslim so I pray five times a day, fast and so on so forth. And as it goes for most people – we work hard, and we get through InsyaAllah. Usaha, Doa, Tawakal. We make plans for our future as part of our effort to live a better life – knowing that Allah is the Best Planner. Wherever we are in life right now, it is what Allah has destined for us. But life is not without test and challenges. 

At this stage of life right now, there are times when I feel it is so hard. I have a wonderful husband, a great family on both sides, am blessed with lovely kids, excellent friends – but its nothing if I don’t have a strong relationship with Allah. I may have achieved a lot of things, but it is only because Allah wills it. I managed to get through difficult times but it is only because Allah is always there to help me and ease it for me. It may look as if I am capable to do a lot of things – a working mother with three kids doing a PhD while at the same time serving the community and people around me – but all my strengths come from Allah. My willpower and inner motivation comes from my desire to do what I do for Allah, for dakwah and for Islam so that everything good that I do will count as my ibadah and good deeds. But apart from doing it for the sake of Allah, have I really truly trust my life in the hands of Allah?

I recently learned a lesson about putting my life in the hands of Allah. 

You see, I am halfway through my PhD – but I have a lot of work to do. And this year and next will be very challenging. Right now I’m on a break to stay at home while my husband is doing his write-up, Alhamdulillah. But he will have to return back to Malaysia for a while, with the kids, before applying for unpaid leave to accompany me until I finish my PhD. There are so many things uncertain in the future – and it looks so hard – imagine going through it. So we have long put any plans to have an additional family member, especially while I’m still doing my PhD. In fact, we were already focused on raising our three kids plus finishing our PhDs and planning our career when we return back to Malaysia for good. But surely, Allah is the Best Planner. 

Yes, I am pregnant with our fourth child. Two months now. I must say we were shocked because we feel like its nothing short of a miracle. But Allah can make anything happen, if Allah wills it. I laughed and cried at the same time when I learned that I’m pregnant because I have never imagine myself in this situation – not in the plan, and don’t know how I will do it. After a while it occurred to us that the way in which Allah grants us this “rezeki”, (insyaAllah, may this pregnancy be safe thoughout) – is a direct message from Him – that He is All-Knowing, the Best Planner. At that time, I understood what it really means to be putting your life 100% in the hands of Allah – we don’t know how we will do it, we don’t know what will happen next, but we know Allah will help us and guide us all the way. 

And we know that there will always be something good with what Allah brings to us. Alhamdulillah, after we learned about the pregnancy, my husband got a green light from his supervisors to proceed with his writing-up without having to do additional experimental work. The outlook suddenly looks good , at least for the next couple months. But what will happen next after he finishes his PhD and return to UTP with the kids? only Allah knows. and we leave it all in the hands of Allah. Surely He is All-knowing, and Best Planner. 

Thank you Allah, for everything

Happy 4th Birthday, dear Nurhan (Post FB by Ummi 27 February 2014)

My dear son Nurhan, 
Ummi is so glad we had the chance to be together and celebrate your 4th birthday today. It was a simple 1-hour evening tea with our neighbours but we had balloons and cake – and when we asked if you enjoyed it, you said ‘Yes, it was cool..’

Nurhan, 
Ummi knows you were angry at me for being away from you for 3 weeks. I know that because everytime I called Abi on the phone, you don’t want to talk to me for a long time but every night before going to bed you asked Abi when Ummi’s going to come back. You did not talk to me a lot of time but you did think of me all the time…

In the morning Ummi arrived, I woke you up and hugged you, and I asked you, ‘Are you still angry at me Nurhan?’, you answered very softly, your head resting on my shoulder, 

‘No I’m not. I’m not..’

And Ummi realised, you happily counted,’one, two,three,four,five,six!’

Yes, there’s six of us. Just like how it was before. 

My darling Nurhan, 
I am so sorry I have to leave you with Abi and kakak and abang. Yesterday when I asked you if it’s okay that you stay here with Abi and kakak and abang, you kept quite. And when I asked you ‘Do you want to stay here with Abi and kakak and abang, or do you want to follow Ummi?’, you answered, ‘Follow Ummi’. I asked you three times and you gave the same answer three times. 

But Nurhan, Ummi loves you, and Ummi and Abi wants the best possible for you, so that’s why we would like you to stay here in our own big, cosy home where you can play with the toys and books and games anytime you want to, you can go to school with abang and play with your friends and teachers, Abi can bring you to Tutti Frutti, KFC, UTP lake, UTP mosque- and even watch a movie, all here very close to our home. Its fun isn’t it? But I understand Nurhan, no amount of fun can make up with the simple fun you can have with me if I am around you every day…

Nurhan, 
Yesterday night, you made my heart ache once more…
In the car, after we had our pre-birthday treat, I asked you again if its okay for me to go back to Johor, and come again to Perak, and then Johor…

And you gave me a simple answer yet so deep; 

‘But there’s always five of us’…

Ummi could not say anything anymore..my heart was crying. 

Nurhan, 
I have no answer to give to you, an answer simple enough to make you understand that we being apart, is a test from Allah, that Allah made us come to this situation and that we have to move on with our life. Allah loves us, and gives us this test because Allah wants us to be closer to Him by asking for His help everytime we feel sad, everytime we misses each other. Because you know what Nurhan, when we make du’a to Allah, Allah can hear us and He can make us feel better and He will take care of us- you, abang, kakak. Abi, Ummi, Ihsan. Ummi and Abi will not always be there for you, but Allah will. Allah will always protect you, Allah will always comfort you, and Allah will always take care of you. That is my du’a for you, my son Nurhan. And for kakak, abang and Ihsan too. (And for Abi as well). Ummi may have to leave you sometimes, but Allah will never leave you. Ummi loves you, and you love Ummi, but Allah love all of us even more…

Nurhan, 
As you turn four today, Ummi and Abi only have the best of du’a and prayers for you. We pray that you will be a humble Muslim who loves Allah and Rasulullah, who understands and practices his deen, who takes care of his solah, who has great character and akhlaq, who is clever and successful in this dunya and will be granted Jannah in the hereafter. That is also our du’a to your sister and brothers and our family and friends. 

So Nurhan, even though Ummi will have to leave you again and again, know that Ummi loves you, and it will never end. 

Happy 4th Birthday, son. 

SHARING BY UMMI (POST ON FB 29/05/2014)

The boy who sells car perfumes, and ME.

I must admit, I have been uninspired for the past couple of days. Its like I’m slowly slipping down, and down and down… despite everything else around me seems fine. I could not think, I don’t have the desire to do things. To move on. Its hard. When I am away from my family (husband and children, and home) – its hard. And when I am with my family,at home, its also hard, because I could not do (much) PhD work. Due to my nature of PhD (experiments and simulation), I have to be in a specific working system. Its sad to realise that until I finish my PhD, I could not stay with my family for a duration longer than a week, else I will start to have anxiety pangs for not being able to focus on my PhD. Its a mental and emotional torture, and at times like this, I just wish I could pull the plug to stop the misery. 

This morning, like the past few days, I woke up with a heavy mind. I sort the kids before going to office (cook meal, sort out things for them to do, etc). I don’t feel anything, cannot think of what to do next but I force myself to drive to work. I am literally a walking zombie. But I do know that I need to fix myself as soon as possible – I need to get away and shake off this misery and get my head straight again, quickly. Before I drive to office, I stop at the fuel station to withdraw some money and to fill in the tank.

Walking out from my car, I saw a boy, and Indian boy, walking from one car to another, trying to sell something. Poor boy, I thought. If he happened to come to me, I was prepared to give him some money. As I withdrew my money at the ATM machine, that’s when I came to one realisation. I have a lot of things. Allah has bestowed upon me a lot of things. I have money in my bank. I have four, adorable, healthy, clever kids at home. I have a wonderful husband. I have a job, I have a house to call home. I have my parents, siblings and family. I have a (brand new) car. It just happen to be that at this point in my life, I am facing a really hard time trying to make things work with my PhD. I could fail my PhD, I might as well quit. Yet, I still have a lot other things. I can still live. Live calmly, not like a zombie. But how many people out there are feeling, walking and living life like a zombie right now? Waking up to nothing, really. I looked around me at the petrol station, there are people with real hardship – people who has nothing to eat, who has to do anything to get by in life. Suddenly it came to my mind that perhaps Allah wanted me to know and experience how it felt to become a helpless person, feeling nothing to look up to, to look forward to. To feel down in despair. And I have to learn, how to get back up again from the misery. again, and again, and again… So then perhaps one day, I could help these people. Perhaps…

After re-fuelling my car, I was already buckled up and ready to start my engine when the Indian boy came and knocked slowly at my car window. I rolled it down and very politely he said that he is selling car perfumes. I asked him, “Adik tak pergi sekolah ke?” And he said, “Cuti sekolah. Jadi tolong emak jual barang”. (Off course, cuti sekolah. My kids when cuti sekolah is happy at home playing games and having fun…huhu). I asked him again, “Adik dah makan?” Dia senyum sedikit sambil geleng kepala. I handed him some money, “Adik ambil duit ni, adik beli makanan okay”. He smiled and thanked me. I rolled up my window again, and drove to office.

I know that right now, the only One that can help me is Allah. Hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakeel. To help me move on and go on. Not even my husband, my family nor my supervisor, or anyone else for that matter. I need to keep walking, even if sometimes I’m walking like a zombie. May Allah also guide, protects and help that young Indian boy to keep walking.

Keep walking, dear boy who sells car perfumes

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